May 21, 2007

Slowly Learning

I really have never had a great relationship with my dad. I always feel weird around him. He is bipolar and refuses to take medicine for it so it's like walking on egg shells around him. I never know what kind of a mood he is going to be in and the if he is in a good mood, something I say can easily set him off. So, needless to say I hardly ever enjoy spending time with him. Also his lifestyle is so different than mine. He says he's a Christian and he know the word, but his life tells a different story.

Just to give you an idea, when I went to Bible School he said it was a waste of money b/c I never got a degree and the credits weren't transferable. But what he failed to see is that God changed me the day I stepped onto that campus and I never want to go back to living like the world. No degree or high paying job could have ever done that. I needed to be there at that time. I wasn't the best student but my walk with the Lord became real then. And that to me was worth going!

When my brother who is attending Lancaster Bible College asked my dad for financial help with one summer class course that was $900.00. He gave him the money and told him that he was going to buy him a $3000.00 motorcycle but this is all he gets now. I think in a way my dad is jealous of my brother because he is at the center of the will of God, and my dad yearns for that but can't die to his flesh.

I shared all of this with you so that you would understand what I struggle with at times. I know that that my Daddy in Heaven loves me but sometimes it's hard to imagine b/c my dad has been a poor example of how a father should be. I shouldn't compare b/c really there is no comparison but aren't we supposed to be like Christ? We are made is his image so why don't we look more like Him? Why do we allow our flesh or the world to dictate how we look? This is why relationship, intimacy with our Father is so important. I am busy working, being a wife and mother and trying to have me time on top of all that but I felt like this year I was supposed to press in deeper than before that if I was faithful with little He would give me so much more. So I am giving him my heart completely... in ALL areas. Including the area of FATHER.

I have struggled with wanting my father's acceptance for as long as I can remember. I was a daddy's girl searching for a daddy who wanted me, spent time with me and loved me. Not to buy me things but to spend quality time with me. A dad that I could trust and respect, admire and be proud of. Lately the Lord has been speaking to me about love and about how much He love me. I know that no matter what I do, I can always count on Him loving me because it is unconditional. That's easy to say but it's a tough thing to walk through when you don't really feel it. I needed to feel it and the Lord is so faithful and He shows me when I feel all alone or when I feel unloved. Because we all have those moments when we feel like no one cares. Where we feel unwanted or not needed. To me it's important to feel needed and God shows me that He needs me, that I have a purpose and that no one can take away the love He has for me.

I love my dad and I hope one day he will walk with the Lord completely but I will not let that relationship dictate how my relationship with my Daddy should be.


On Fire For Him said...

This is good. I can't even begin to tell you how much I can relate. Same diagnosis with my dad, never know what you are going to get when you talk with him. Plus, my dad has been destructive with himself for years which has put me on a constant worry and watch over whether or not he is going to be on this earth. He too, says that he is a christian.

And the whole time, I just want to be a daddy's girl. Loved deeply, secure, and taken care of.

I am learning so much about Him. I have been crying out for so long to really know that He loves me. Little by little I am finally getting it.

One of the biggest things that has helped me was God's gift of us moving away.

Now my focus isn't as much about looking for my dad to love me, with the convenience of close distance. Being away has helped me to find love from Him, to recognize the kisses of God. To know deep down that He is really proud of me. To be secure in Him.

I haven't arrived, in any way. But I am further along then I was even a year ago.

Thanks for sharing about this.